


Poetry of the heart

by Flowers_For_Caesar



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Boys In Love, Everyone Is Gay, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Neil is the dream man, Pure, Todd Anderson Needs A Hug, oh boy oh boy they are very in love and very s o f t
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-10-03 16:28:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17287490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flowers_For_Caesar/pseuds/Flowers_For_Caesar
Summary: He finally reached for his desired destination-the big window, from which he could easily sneak onto the roof where he left his pack of cigarettes and his lighter.He lifts up his cigarette and starts to think of thinks- thinks like flowers and daisies and how plump Neil’s lips are and how their hands fit perfectly-no.He takes a long drag and and lightly slaps himself on the cheek.He has it bad, bad, bad, bad.





	Poetry of the heart

He lives in a poem he can't yet write-  
It's killing him to write the words he need, he loses himself trying to find them, he chokes on the tears that fall because for how raw and real his writing is and is trying to erase himself with the wrong words  
Wrong, wrong wrong, not good enough. Gotta do more, gotta be more.  
He screams into the pillow hex to him, hoping that his mother has fallen asleep.  
He can't finish this garbage, this disgusting, pathetic excuse for a poem  
He cant face the truth, not tonight.  
His phone shows 2;03 am and his hand shakily grabs his notebook, his brain trying to think of words  
Words, words, words.   
He can't think of anything, so gives up- for now, that is- and leaves the creative block to swallow his whole.  
He left his bed, trying to make as little noise as possible, but, alas, he stumbled a few times, thanking god when he didn’t hear any shifting on the other side of the wall- even if the house was expensive, the walls were pretty thin- he learned that the hard way.  
He finally reached for his desired destination-the big window, from which he could easily sneak onto the roof where he left his pack of cigarettes and his lighter.  
He lifts up his cigarette and starts to think of thinks- thinks like flowers and daisies and how plump Neil’s lips are and how their hands fit perfectly-no.   
He takes a long drag and and lightly slaps himself on the cheek.  
He has it bad, bad, bad, bad.   
Neil is so beautiful.  
He's so beautiful, his hair frames him face so good, his eyes sparkle like opals.  
His acting is amazing, I bet he will be famous one day.  
I know he will.  
I love him.   
I love him.  
I love him.  
He will never be mine.  
I love him.  
I need him.  
I love him.  
After finishing his cigarette, he enters his room and immediately takes his phone, that was under the pillow that he screamed in before half an hour.  
Neil.  
He started typing a message but quickly deleted it after reconsidering it.   
He couldn’t bother him not, it was not right.  
Neil.  
He needed to hear his voice, to melt, and to hear from someone that everything is alright. Hearing his voice is like taking all the drugs that his favorite poets abused, the high was beautiful, even when it wasn’t and he had to come back home with his big bag of unrequited feelings weighing heavy on his shoulders.  
But it's okay- he will wait a couple of hours to see him.  
He could wait. Hours, days, week and so on.

He doesn’t sleep at all that night. He doesn’t finish the poem assigned as homeworks two days ago.  
He walks slowly, trying not to bump into something, or someone.   
“Todd!” a loud voice calls for him and he cannot, for his life, to force down the smile growing onto his lips.  
Neil.   
Neil!  
“Hey Neil.’ He doesn’t force his smile down- he can't.  
Neil, obviously happy with the fact that Todd is looking at him with a big smile on his face leans forward and hugs him tightly. This is the best part of his otherwise very sad and mundane life  
“I hope you slept well last night, you like kinda dead...”  
“No,no, I slept like a baby, don’t worry.”  
Lies.  
“Well then, lets go!” and Neil grabbed his hand.  
As he thought, it fits perfectly.  
I love you.  
He looked down as Neil dragged him to their first class, which was, luckily and unluckily, Keating’s class, where they were free to express themselves.  
Too bad he never had the courage to spill his troubles as easy as some of the others students.

Class starts and he can't, for the life in him, to force down the lump in his throat, bugging him and stopping him from being a normal social kid.  
"How about we hear your poems, kids?"   
Everyone in the class goes- some were lovely poems, other were jokes, but all were able to say them calmly. A couple stood out, that were clearly made with a lot of hard work.  
Neil had been one of the first to go-the poem was good, but the acting of the poem was perfection at its finest. Every syllable that came out of his mouth was pure melody.  
Everyone went.  
Everyone but him.  
He tries to hide his skinny body under the desk, but Keating stops him  
"How about you, Todd?" Keating looked at him with absolutely no mockery, just warm eyes filled with curiosity and acceptance, which made the boy calmer but the big rock on his frail shoulders came back immediately and Todd tried to shrink himself.  
"I…i didn't write one, sir."  
He did. He had tons of poems that have been waiting to be read, so many unsaid words and thoughts.  
But he couldn't .   
He wasn't good enough.  
Not good enough.  
"No? Well,that's what a part of this class is about, no? Writing so we could try and write a poem on the spot. Come in, now, get up."  
And he did. He got up and after some pressure made by his favourite teacher, he started his brand new poem made with rushed thoughts and fast words that were barely understandable .  
His words warped around in one big ball, rolling and rolling and creating this beautiful sphere.  
He did it.  
He said his emotions out loud.  
He was ready to cry, either from relief or embarrassment. But.  
By the looks of it, nobody was laughing at him. They all had that face you have when you see something so pleasing you can't stop looking.  
But Neil.  
Oh Neil.  
His eyes were filled with amazement and adoration.  
Neil.  
Neil liked his words.  
He felt his heart beat loud enough to be heard over the other side of the world's where everyone would know of his love for another boy.  
"That was incredible, Todd. I'm honestly speechless. You have the thing that other people chase for years. Don't you forget that."  
Keating praised him.  
He was overflowing with happiness.  
After the class, Neil surprised him by jumping on him, wrapping his arms around him and almost choking him, but the smaller boy could not, for the life of him, mind.  
Todd, that was amazing! Why didn't you said you were such a poet? That was honestly so beautiful"  
His cheeks bloomed into the rose color he always had when Neil was around.  
"I didn't know." His voice almost got lost. Of course, when his words flew in front of a public, everyone was dead silent.   
But here, in the hallways, everybody was shouting.  
It was too much.  
"Well, does that means that you can finally read out loud in the club?" Charlie asked.  
Neil and the others recreated a club, originally held by Keating, called the Dead Poets Society, where a group of guys with a lot to say gathered together to read and discuss poetry-it was a nice place for everyone. They all loved the club.  
"I'm not sure I can Neil." Neil's face fell for a second and he almost wanted to punch himself for it.  
"Don't worry, that's okay. When you're ready, I'll gladly listen."  
How can a person make you fall in love so much.  
Neil was as hard to love as picking up flowers.  
It wasn't.  
I love you.

All the other classes went by with as little importance as possible.   
He couldn't care, he never did. Not with Neil in almost all of his classes.  
And the other thing, almost as important as Neil himself, was the fact that everyone in his class has heard his little improvisation.  
And they like it.  
The only thing left to confess was his big disgusting crush on Neil and get rejected, making him transfer out of shame.  
After all the classes, it was time for him to get back, trying to avoid any kind social interaction, and cry while pouring his feeling into his notebook that he never took to school.  
Somebody might read it  
Make fun of him.  
No no no.  
They can't see it.  
He can't be vulnerable like that, it's too much.  
Just as yes about to come home to the sweet melody of security, a hand grabs him, making him flinch.  
"Hey, where are you going?" It was Neil.  
His beautiful Neil.   
His hand was still held by Neil.  
"Do you want to go out with me? You don't have to go home yet. Let's go grab some coffee and discuss our tortured souls like some kind of pretentious teenagers." Neil smiled." C'mon, Todd."  
He didn't know if he really wanted to go.  
What an obvious lie.  
Of course he wanted to-every chance of spending time with neil was a possibility that he could not risk losing.  
The thing that scared him was neil would ask him about what happened im keating’s class.  
He sure as hell wasn’t prepared to answer, no today at least.  
“okay.”  
Neil smiled and tightened his grip on his hand.  
Neil didn’t let go.  
His eyes averted neil and instead focused on the ground, suddenly finding it very interesting.

“ by the way, do you want to come to my house tomorrow to help me rehearse?” Neil was still holding hand as he asked.  
He didn’t really know if that’s a good idea.  
He never really yells and he fumbles over his words, making him the worst partner for rehearsing - the worst partner for anything, really.  
And with that in mind, neil still asked him?  
“I don’t know, neil…”  
“oh, cmot, it'll be fun-i'm alone in the house for the next couple of days and it'll be the two of us.”  
Yea, that’s the scary part.  
“ are you sure you want to rehearse with me, neil? I mean, i'll probably set the script on fire or something.”  
Neil, that godlike creature, cracked a smile and starts laughing. He was even more beautiful when he smiled-he has noticed that long time ago, the first time he saw neil smile, actually.  
“don’t worry, todd, I have another copy, so, even if you set one on fire, i have a back up.”  
"Okay then."  
"Well not that's settled, where do you want to go for coffee? We can step it up a notch and go to Starbucks."  
No, no we can't.  
There is so many people, so many different voices thrown around the small cafe, so much.  
Too much.  
He can't.  
"Um, yea, sure."  
Neil's beautiful smile fell down, being replaced by an ugly frown, which, even if slightly putting off Neil's facade, it still wasn't enough to make him unattractive.  
"Todd, I know, I'm sorry. You don't like big crowds. I forgot for a second."  
"No, no it's okay, I can go-" as long as I'm with you "-it's no problem."  
"Yes it is. Don't worry, we can go somewhere else. I just want you to be comfortable- I know the improv poem today was too much."  
He looked down at their, somehow, still intertwined hands and nodded his head.  
Neil was right after all.  
He couldn't stand crowds  
He looked down and started fidgeting before he felt a warm hand on hi shoulder.  
“Are you okay, Todd?”  
He quickly nodded.  
It’s all okay Neil.  
You’re here and I’m okay.  
“I’m okay, Neil.”  
Neil didn’t look convinced at all, the opposite actually, he looked troubled.  
No.  
Please, don’t look at me like this.  
I swear I can be a good friend and won't make you sad.  
Just don’t look at me like that, please.  
Neil’s hand didn't leave his shoulder, it tightened his grip, almost to the point of the pain, but it was obvious that Neil was holding back from hurting him.  
“Todd…” Neil looked at Todd with scrunched eyebrows..  
Neil was sad.  
Please don’t be.  
Suddenly, Neil’s head shot up and a slight smile appeared on his beautiful place.  
“Come over right now.”  
“What.”  
Why?  
Does Neil want to kill him?  
“Oh, cmon, it'll be just the two of us-“ Neil’s hand, that has previously shifted back to his pocket,, went to grab the other man’s one “-and you can calm down.”  
He didn’t know why he said yes and why was he going to Neil’s house right this moment.  
But he most certainly felt both joy and dread.  
There could be a million ways for this to go-he could break something, like his heart if his stupid mouth decides to declare his love for Neil-  
This could go in so many bad directions that he decided that he didn’t want to think about it.  
Since Neil didn’t live far from school,he had only about 15 minutes to prepare himself mentally for being alone with Neil.  
Completely alone.  
“We’re here, Todd.” Neil woke him up from his daze and they entered the house-it was a really cozy looking two story house that had a big garden and the overall aesthetic was made by wood and warm colors-it reminded him really much of Neil.  
As they entered the house, they climbed up the stairs and went to Neil’s room that was no different than the house-the walls were colored light yellow and the floor was wood, like most of the furniture. He also had a balcony where he knew Neil went out to smoke when he had a tough day, and where Neil kept about a dozen flowers that were well looked after/.  
Neil jumped on the bed and the other boy stood awkwardly in the center of the room, looking around.  
He has been here a couple of times, but he knew that he will never get tired of looking around.  
“Well don’t just stand around, come.” Neil stood and pulled him, making him lay on the bed with him-the bed was enough for them both, but Neil kept him way too close.  
Not that he minded.  
“Todd.” He looked left just to find Neil, his beautiful Neil, looking troubled over something, making him frown. “Are you okay?’  
He was shocked to hear that.  
Am I okay?  
Am i?  
“What do you mean, Neil? Of course I am.”  
Neil obviously couldn’t agree less.  
Neil sighed and turned his head to look at the ceiling.  
Neil’s hand went and grabbed the other boy’s hand, squeezing it hard.  
“If you don’t want to tell me now, its okay, but…” the hand squeeze got stronger “…just don’t lie to me, okay?”  
He didn’t know what to say right now, so, instead of talking, he decided to stop being a pussy for once, and shifted, just a little, so his head could rest on Neils shoulder.  
Neil, after freezing for about two second, quickly wrapped his hand around his torso.  
After making sure it was okay, Neil let his head fall lightly on the other ones.  
“I really liked your poem.” Neil said, after some time.  
He tried to shift father from Neil, but Neil didn’t let him.  
He couldn’t escape this time.  
“Thanks.” He muttered, lowering his head.  
Please don’t ask anything.  
Please.  
Suddenly, Neil let him go, standing up and going to the balcon.  
Neil came back in the room just to grab the other boy, leaving him with no choice but to follow him to the balcony.  
Neil shuffled the flower pots where he had hidden a crumpled pack of cigarettes.  
There was enough space in the box for a small white lighter-one that was a present form the other boy.  
They both lit one cigarette and Neil looked at the sky lazily, keeping his eyes on one specific point.  
“That cloud looks a lot like Mr. Keating.”  
He looked up, just to see a cloud that didn’t look like a person, or an animal, or anything.  
But, yet, this specific cloud had this really odd shape that didn’t look like something, but it was still beautiful, in this weird way that made you look at it without understanding it.  
But he got it.  
“Yea, it does.”  
Some time passed, both of them just listening to the comforting silence that fell upon them. A silence that was interrupted every now and then by a street cat or the wind.   
“I like you.” Neil said as he threw the but of the cigarette over the balcony.  
Todd choked..  
Did he not hear right? Was that it?  
What did just happen?  
“What?” he whispered as he looked over Neil, the same Neil that he had a crush on since the day they met, the same Neil that just confessed a couple of seconds ago.  
“I said I like you.”  
Have I gone mad?  
Neil was looking him in the eyes with red cheeks.  
Neil was blushing.

 

Neither said a word for a couple of seconds, making them feel like hard and depressing centuries that drained the color of everything, even the beautiful flowers that were scattered around them.  
And then, suddenly, Todd was crying.  
Neil’s eyes widened and he immediately pulled the smaller boy closer, almost suffocating him in the hug.  
“Shit-Todd, what's wrong, baby-please, calm down.”  
The only thing Todd was able to hear was that Neil did, in fact, called him him baby, which made him just try to get close to the taller boy, possibly trying to fuse them together, because he would not be able to away from Neil, even for a second. He tried to calm down, but it was impossible.  
Neil gently moved them back on the bed and they laid together, tangled limbs, tangled hearts.  
Time passed-weeks, seconds, anything in between.  
“Are you feeling okay now, Todd?” Neil ran his hands in Todd’s hair.  
Their faces were just centimetres apart, their breaths turning into air of comfort around them.  
Todd felt some bravery, filling his heart up.   
“You-you can call me..baby again, okay?” Todd breathed, shifting just a little closer to the giant star that was Neil Perry.   
The taller boy suddenly halted. He looked Todd straight in the eyes and, after a second or two, the biggest smile cracked on his handsome face.  
“Does that mean what i think it means?”  
Todd smiled and they went a step further, their noses brushing. Just a little more, just until they were merged together, just until they couldn't breathe when separated.  
But a kiss would suffice too.   
And that's exactly what happened, Neil brushed their lips and Todd was the one who deepened their kiss, hins hands slowly arriving on the taller man’s shoulders.  
The mere seconds were replaced by years that were spent in space together, where they explored everything around.  
As their lips separated, just barely, Todd exhaled, his hand warping around Neil’s neck.  
“I..i like you too, Neil. A lot, Jesus fuck, i love you so, so much.” Todd’s voice quivered at the end of his sentence but Neil just dazzled him with the most angelic smile ever seen by a human.  
“I love you too, baby.” Neil murmured. 

And with that, Todd was crying again, hugging Neil as strong as he could, never wanting to let go.

**Author's Note:**

> Whats gucci my dudes, leave kudos and comments because im desperate for attention B]


End file.
